Lately, night is the worst time for me. It doesn’t matter what time I get under the covers or how soon I find that perfect level of warmth and comfort between the sheets, blankets and pillows. It always pans out the same: I sit there for hours, staring at the ceiling or with my eyes closed- it doesn’t matter- either way I’ll just lay there and think about everything. How unfair life has been. How unjust everything is. The things I should have said or the things I shouldn’t have done. It all just accumulates over the course of a couple of agonizing hours, and then before I know it I’m finally asleep. I wake up the next morning in a rush to class or work, simply throwing away the previous hours delving into these intense thoughts. I never really realized it until now.
I never used to question things like existence or why things happen until recently. After reviewing my brief and questionably awkward and pathetic 21 years of life, I am more or less coming to terms with the fact that I will always be alone. Although it may sound incredibly jaded, I actually find comfort in the thought of being alone. Many people have come and gone throughout the course of my short lifetime, and the only thing that has really stuck with me throughout all of these experiences is foresight. I know ahead of time not to get attached to people, whether it’s a sweet guy who’s been begging me to give him a chance and not to break his heart, only for him to leave me stranded all alone for someone else. Whether it’s one of my best friends i’ve known my whole life or a family member, I find comfort in knowing that no one’s existence is permanent.
